


The Science of Music (Delphine)

by cophinelovin



Series: The Science of Music [2]
Category: Orphan Black (TV), cophine
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Smut, cophine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:19:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7766587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cophinelovin/pseuds/cophinelovin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Set in NYC. The story from Delphine’s point of view, more backstory on Delphine. Delphine is a singer in a rock band and is confused by her feelings for a certain cute brunette. Read the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/7493358/chapters/17030847">original (The Science of Music)</a> first. Completed work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to explore Delphine's story and feelings in this fic, and provide a little more of a conclusion than I did in the first one. Please let me know if you enjoy! Thanks for reading!

I am spinning. My chest is constricting.

I slam the door to the bedroom as I hear Sam leave the apartment. He can be such a fucking jerk sometimes. 

I don’t know what I’m doing. My heart is pounding and the anger is bubbling up inside me. I sit down on the bed as my tears wash over me. I think about this fight, about our last fight, about all the fights we have. We fight about various things, but mostly about my music. He doesn’t care about it, and it shows. He doesn’t respect what I do and I am constantly reminded of that fact when he brushes off everything I say. He thinks I’m throwing my life away, chasing a dream of being a musician that will never happen. He doesn’t understand that it’s the one thing in my life that makes me happy.

I think about leaving him sometimes. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and I think about the beginning of our relationship, how sweet he was, how caring he seemed, and those memories keep me with him. Besides, I’m scared to leave and be alone.

I had found him at just the right time in my life. I met him a few months after I had been on tour with my band and had gone through one of the worst breakups. I had been dating this guy who became extremely jealous when I wasn’t around or paying attention to him. It had been extremely difficult and I hated him for it. Sam seemed like a breath of fresh air when we met, opening up the possibility of love in my heart again.

Now, he wants me to move in with him, but there is something that doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how to explain it to him so I have been avoiding the topic. He had gotten pissed and left, slamming the apartment door behind him. 

I feel like it’s moving too fast. I want things to slow down, but that’s not something he wants.

I look at the clock and see it’s almost 2. I’ll need to get ready soon to head to the bar to do a soundcheck before tonight’s show. I change my clothes and clean up my face before walking out the door. I’ll come back afterwards to get dressed for the show. I head for the subway into Manhattan.

When I arrive at the bar, I see Robbie, Max, and Devin setting up on the stage. “Hey Delphine!” Robbie calls out.

“Hi guys,” I say. 

“You excited about tonight?” Robbie asks me. He’s been a good friend of mine for years and we’ve played in this band together since the beginning.

“Yeah, definitely, it’s going to be a fun show,” I comment, trying to hide any hints of my distress from earlier.

“My new man is coming! You can meet him,” Robbie says, excitedly.

I chuckle. “Where’d you find this one?”

“Oh, we met at the club a couple weeks ago,” Robbie mentions, “but I think this one’s a keeper.”

“Oh really?” I smirk at him as he looks smitten.

“Hey, let’s get started,” Max chimes in as he twirls his drumsticks. Devin puts his bass over his shoulder as Robbie tunes his guitar.

I step up to the microphone and look around at the empty bar. I know this place will be full tonight and I get excited. 

We play through a few songs, checking levels here and there, making sure everything sounds good.

As we pack up, I hear Robbie call out to me from the front of the bar, “Hey, Delphine, Sam is here.”

I look toward the door and see Sam with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He steps in toward me.

“Hey, babe, look, I’m really sorry about earlier,” he starts, “I didn’t want to leave things the way I did before your show. It was my fault. Can you forgive me?” He hands me the flowers.

I’m not too pleased at his apology but he seems like he is trying, so I state, “Ok, fine. But you can’t be such a jerk again.”

He gives me a kiss. “I have to go to work now. Have a great show. I’ll swing by and pick you up after, ok?”

“Ok, that’s fine,” I say.

He leaves and I feel like I should feel better, but I don’t. I hate fighting though, so I decide to let it go and focus on the show.

“Jeez, what did he do this time?” Robbie asks. I know he’s half joking, but he has a serious look in his eye. 

“Nothing, it’s fine,” I answer.

“I’m worried about you. You don’t seem all that happy, and you deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks, Robbie, but really, it’s fine.”

I leave the bar and head back to Brooklyn. I think about what Robbie said while I’m on the subway. The train is fairly crowded, so I’m standing, shoved up against the door. Is he right? Am I unhappy? The train screeches to a stop as I feel the shuffle of people around me trying to exit the train. I have one more stop to go, and as people file out, a couple of people get pushed into me as I squeeze to make myself as small as I can. I see a flash of dreadlocks in my face as I close my eyes, trying to touch as few people as possible.

I finally make it back to my apartment and flop down on the bed. I feel so many different emotions, so many thoughts are flying through my mind, it’s hard to focus. I decide I will take a nap to gain energy for this evening, and quickly doze off, pushing the thoughts from my mind.

\-----

I arrive at the bar a little before our set is supposed to start. The bar is already crowded so I head straight to the back to find the band. 

“Hey, Delphine,” Max says, as I see the guys. “You ok?”

I put on a smile and answer confidently, “Of course! Let’s do this.”

I peek out into the bar as the rest of the band goes out on stage to set up their equipment before we start. They usually begin playing the intro before I step out. Robbie has gotten me a drink from the bar, so I down it quickly, allowing it to relax me a little.

I hear the music begin and walk out onto the stage as everyone cheers. We have a pretty great fan base, always very enthusiastic. I begin to sing and immediately, I feel at ease. I am very comfortable at the microphone and I get into the music, belting and swaying to the beat. I know the bar is crowded, but I can’t see much due to the lights. I flip my hair with my hand and lose myself in the music. Our set goes by quickly and as soon as we’re done, I see a couple of our regular fans approach me. 

“Delphine, that was so good, as always.”

“Thanks, Dan.” He’s always there with his partner, Bill. They are two of our favorite fans.

I hear Robbie call my name from across the bar and look up to see him waving me over. Oh yes, I have to meet his man. I smile as I walk over.

He introduces me to his boyfriend, Felix, and his friend, Cosima. 

“Enchantée,” I say to Cosima. As she shakes my hand, I notice a warmth in her eyes. It’s endearing. She has these wonderful dreads and her eye makeup is impeccable. She compliments me on my voice, which I am used to, but there is something about the way she talks that I am drawn to.

Robbie suggests we head next door to play pool like usual after a gig here, and I am pleased when I learn Cosima is coming with us. She seems so kind and I would like to get to know her more.

I feel lighter as I’ve temporarily forgotten about my problems with Sam. Music does this to me, and now, hanging with friends, I am happy.

I end up playing doubles with Cosima on my team. I feel kind of bad because I am very good at pool, and she is...not. She is so amusing in the way she talks, and she makes me smile and laugh a lot. 

She takes a shot, missing the ball completely, turning to me and saying, “Sorry, I warned you.”

I laugh, “That’s ok, let me show you something.”

I get behind her to line up her body with the cue. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I feel this pull to be close to her. When I touch her, I feel a tingling in my body I am not expecting. She smells good, really good. 

I try to get her to make the shot, but she misses again. “We’ll work on it,” I add, beaming at her.

“I don’t know if this is my calling,” she responds, with her beautiful smile.

I feel a rush of heat. Is it the alcohol? Is it...her? 

“Maybe not,” I answer. I need to splash some water on my face.

I excuse myself to head to the bathroom. I stare into the mirror as I think. What is this thing I am feeling? I feel oddly drawn to this woman I just met. I run the cool water, letting it wash over my hands, bringing it up to my face to bring me back to my reality. My reality with Sam. 

When I walk back out, I see Cosima talking with Felix and I walk up behind her, hearing Felix tell her that she is enamored by something. 

I come up behind her. “Enamored by what?” I ask.

She turns, looking a little flustered, “Oh...um...just...this city...enamored by the city...you know... its beautiful pulse,” she says.

I chuckle inside. There is something so endearing about her. When she looks at me, I feel nervous, so nervous. “Ah, yes, the city is beautiful,” I answer, playing it off.

Just as she asks me if she can get me another drink, I see Sam come up behind her. 

My heart sinks immediately, but I remember I promised myself that I would give him a chance. I walk past Cosima and give him a kiss. He wants to go home, so while I’m a little disappointed, I give in. I don’t want another fight. I say goodbye to Cosima and can’t help but notice that she looks disappointed. I turn to leave.

“How was the show, babe?” Sam asks me as we get outside.

“Great!” I exclaim, “the energy in the room was wonderful.”

“Cool,” he says as he grabs my waist. 

We ride the subway back to my apartment and end up making out when we get home. I’m fairly buzzed and we end up in my bed. The sex is fine, like usual, and he ends up falling asleep immediately afterward. I lay, staring up at the ceiling, my thoughts going to the night, and an image of Cosima flashes across my mind. I can’t make sense of why I keep thinking of her. There’s something about her kind eyes that captivate me. 

I text Robbie, asking if we’re still on for brunch tomorrow with the band. He responds, telling me we are, and informing me that he’s bringing Felix along. On a whim, I tell Robbie to have Felix invite Cosima, trying to ask as casually as possible. 

I put down my phone as sleep finally takes me.

\-----


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up way too late the next morning. I look at clock, realizing I only have 45 minutes to get ready and get to brunch. I get up, looking for Sam. I see that he has left me a note saying he had to run to a last minute shift. “Ugh,” I mutter to myself. He was supposed to come to brunch. 

I shower quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and a white tank top and run out the door. 

When I get off the subway I walk briskly to the restaurant, arriving about a half hour late. I see Robbie wave to me as I get inside, and am pleased to see Cosima sitting with my bandmates. There is an empty chair next to her, so I sit down and flash her a smile.

I find that I can barely focus on what people are saying. Maybe I have too much on my mind. Maybe I’m a little bit hungover. Maybe it’s the fact that Cosima is sitting inches away from me and that is making my heart pound out of my chest. What is wrong with me? We just met. I have a boyfriend. But this woman makes me feel alive, excited.

Felix starts talking about art exhibits, which catches my ear and I bring up the installation at MoMA that I want to see. When Cosima expresses interest, I jump on the opportunity to spend more time with her. I invite her to go with me tomorrow and she agrees. I feel a flutter in my heart when she says yes and I feel a little giddy.

I give her a hug before parting, and notice how tiny and soft she feels in my arms as I embrace her. 

As I walk away, I think about how Sam and I were supposed to spend the day together. He already has to work tomorrow, so I am now alone for the entire weekend. Well, at least I have plans with Cosima tomorrow. 

I am frustrated, annoyed with Sam. He always does this. Putting himself and his needs above mine. I need to blow off some steam. I decide to walk home to Brooklyn. I have nothing else to do anyway.

It’s a gorgeous day so I head south, finding the bridge. I look out over the water as I cross. The sun is reflecting as far as I can see, and it provides me with a feeling of solace. I stop and stand against the railing, gazing out. 

I hear a giggle to my right. I look to see a woman with short brown hair standing close to another woman with shoulder length hair, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, one woman leaning the other one on the railing as they share a sweet kiss. I look at them in awe. They seem so in love. I try to think about the last time I felt that way with Sam. I hadn’t felt it in a long time. I’m not sure if I ever felt it. They look so smitten with each other, like nothing else in the world around them matters. I want that.

As I watch the shorter woman bring her hand up to the taller woman’s face, my mind goes to Cosima. I think about what it would be like to touch her face, to feel her hands on my hips, to pull her in for a kiss. I close my eyes for a moment and imagine it. 

I imagine how nice her skin would be against mine, thinking it would be so different than anything I’ve felt before. I can picture tracing it with my fingers, soft curves instead of hard lines. I can feel my hands running through her hair, wondering what it would be like to feel her body press into mine. Her kind eyes gazing into mine with a sweetness that would make me melt. I imagine how she might touch me...god, what would that feel like? 

I snap myself out of it as a man on a bike whizzes past me. This is crazy. It’s not like I have never had feelings for a woman before, but I’ve never actually been with a woman. There’s just something that draws me in about Cosima. Her friendly smile, her eyes, the way her clothes fall off of her curves. Oh god, I feel myself getting warmer. I smile as I shake my head in disbelief. 

I continue my journey home. It takes me a couple hours, and by the time I get to my apartment, I am sweaty and exhausted. I hop in the shower, resolving to have a lazy day as I lay down to take a nap.

\-----

The next day, I arrive at the museum early. I fidget with the straps on my bag as I wait for her to arrive. I’m nervous.

When I see her approach, my heart starts beating fast. She looks so cute I almost can’t bear it.

I pull her in for a brief moment of contact before we go inside. I am very excited to see this exhibit. She follows me in and allows me to lead us through the displays. Whenever I talk about one of the pieces, her eyes light up at me, and she smiles her toothy grin. I can’t handle it when she giggles; I feel shivers run through my entire body.

I don’t want my time with her to end, so I end up asking her to lunch. I am ecstatic when she says yes, and we end up talking through the meal. I learn that she’s a science teacher, and I internally squeal at this because I love how geeky that is.

I tell her about my work, my writing, my music, and she listens intently. The way her eyes look at me through her glasses, it makes me blush.

As we walk out, I realize I don’t know when I’ll see her again. I take a deep breath.

“Cosima, can I get your phone number?” I ask, “I had a good time. I like spending time with you. Maybe we can hang out again.” _I have to see you again._

“Yeah, of course. Me too. I mean, I had a really good time with you too,” she answers. She is adorable.

I leave the museum with a light feeling in my chest. I can’t stop grinning. I head home as I have some writing to do for a few blogs that I’m working with.

I know Sam will probably come over later, but I find myself less and less excited about that. It’s silly really. Why am I focusing all my thoughts on this woman I just met? I shouldn’t be trying to push my own boyfriend out of my mind.

When I get home, I write for hours, pausing only to make myself dinner and sit back to relax with a glass of wine. I find myself getting tired and end up dozing off on the couch. It’s about 11pm when I hear a knock at my door.

I get up to find Sam standing in my hallway. 

He immediately pushes his way in. “What the fuck, Delphine?”

“What?” I ask, confused, and a little out of it from just having woken up.

“You haven’t answered any of my texts all day.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say as I realize I haven’t looked at my phone all day. I had it on silent mode ever since the museum and never bothered to change it back.

“Jesus, I’ve been texting you all night to see if I could come here,” he spits, with anger in his voice.

“Ok, I said I’m sorry. I didn’t look at my phone. I was just relaxing and then I fell asleep,” I yell, getting annoyed. “You’re here now, aren’t you?”

He scowls at me. “You know, Delphine, I’m fucking sick of this shit. You seem like you’re just ignoring me all the time.”

I don’t know what to say to him. I also don’t know where this is coming from. He’s the one who ignores me, who only focuses on himself.

“Excuse me? I am always thinking of you. You’re the one who acts selfishly all the time, only caring about your work, and your things. You can never even make it to any of my shows!” I scream at him, feeling the anger boil inside me.

“Ugh, whatever Delphine, maybe it’s because you’re chasing some stupid dream that will never happen. When are you going to grow up?”

At this point, I’m ready to lose it, but I’m so tired, so it’s hard for me to focus. “Sam, get out of here. I can’t do this right now,” I shout. “Get the fuck out!”

“Fine, whatever,” he snarls as he leaves, slamming the door behind him. 

I break down immediately and sob. What the fuck is his problem? Why do I feel like this? This isn’t normal, fighting all the time. This hurts, his words hurt. My body hurts. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I’m so confused. Confused by everything I feel, confused by my feelings...for Cosima. I let my mind wander for a second as I fantasize about her kindness comforting me, holding me, and wiping my tears away. I shake my head, even more confused, knowing I shouldn’t have these thoughts, not while I’m with Sam.

I am getting more and more tired by the moment and my tears are draining the rest of my energy, so I fall into bed, choking back my sobs as I attempt to get some rest.

\-----


	3. Chapter 3

I throw myself into my writing for the next few days. I ignore Sam’s incessant text messages, only telling him that I need some time and space. Hopefully he will leave me alone for a little while.

The band has a gig on Friday, so I practice every day, going over all our songs, playing my keyboard and singing, trying incessantly to perfect every minor blemish in my vocals. 

I think about Cosima and what she’s up to. I really want to see her again, but I’m not sure how to approach it. I haven’t texted her yet because every time I go to, I get really nervous. I need a reason to text her, I can’t just contact her for the hell of it.

On Wednesday, I finally get up the courage to contact her. I know she said her school was in lower Manhattan. I have no idea where, but I end up going there and sitting in a park while I decide what to send her. This is crazy, I think to myself. She might not even answer, or she might have plans, and I’m acting like a crazy stalker.

I finally shoot her a text telling her I’m in the area and making it clear that I want to see her if she’s available. I am delighted when she texts back and we make a plan to meet. Again, the grin across my face will not go away.

I arrive at her school a little before 3, anxiously awaiting the moment when she will step out of the doors. I see her smile at me when she sees me and I feel butterflies in stomach. I pull her in for a kiss on each cheek. I'm French, I can do that. The contact is warm and makes my lips tingle.

I just want to be close to her, so I grab her arm as we walk to the coffee shop.

We order coffee and sit down by the window.

She tells me about her students. The way she talks so passionately about her work, her hands flying through the air, it’s so refreshing, and I giggle at her stories.

She stops talking for a moment, looking at me. “So, obviously, you’re French, but how did you end up here?” she asks me, her eyes curious.

“Oh, I came here for school when I was 18. I went for music at NYU, and I fell in love with this city, so I stayed,” I answer.

“Yeah, the city can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but it can be really great if you let it,” she states.

“Yes, it can be very romantic,” I say, flirting a little.

“Oh?”

I realize I shouldn’t be doing that, so I mention Sam, even though he is not what I think of when I think of romance. 

“Sam has never really felt as passionate about the city as me. He works a lot and lately, I don’t know...he can be a real jerk sometimes,” I spill before realizing I am telling my troubles to this woman I barely know. “Let’s talk about something else,” I smile, reassuring Cosima as I see the look of concern on her face.

She looks at me with an endearing gaze. “Delphine,” she starts, “I was thinking of grabbing some takeout for dinner. Would you want to come over and hang out?”

_Oh my god, yes._ “Mmm...ok,” I respond, trying not to sound too eager. I smile, trying to suppress the heat on my face.

When we arrive at her apartment I look around, immediately noticing how charming the place is, and how much it is...Cosima. 

“This place is cute,” I tell her, feeling flirty, “it fits you.”

I can see her blush as she looks at me. “Oh, um, thanks.” 

God, I am enjoying this too much.

We eat and relax in on the couch, the wine we are drinking going right to my head. I feel at ease, so comfortable talking to her, spending time with her.

“When I was like 7, I had a whole lab set up in the backyard. My parents didn’t know what to do with me,” she giggles.

I laugh. “Sounds like you were adorable.”

“Were?” she asks me. _Is she flirting with me?_

I feel a jolt through my chest as I acknowledge, “Uh huh, ok, you still are.” I look right into her eyes as I move a little closer to her on the couch.

She is telling me a story about one of her students and I laugh wildly. We are facing each other and I put my hand on her knee before I realize what I’m even doing. The feeling of her skin overtakes me and I’m not expecting it.

She is staring at me, straight into my eyes, and I swallow hard, my mouth opening slightly to let my breath escape. I am feeling bold, so I take her hand in mine, lightly brushing her fingers, shuddering at the touch. Her skin on mine feels like a million tiny jolts of electricity flying from my hand up through my arm. It’s unlike anything I was expecting. It takes my breath away.

I don’t know what to say to her in that moment, but I stare back, trying to allow something to come out of my mouth. I suddenly think about Sam and how, although I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, he is still my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be doing this.

My body is screaming for more contact, but I know I can’t. I tell her that I have to go and run out. I watch her face and I’m not sure if the look on her face is from shock or disappointment.

I head home, my mind spinning. What did I want from her? Did she want it too? How could I do this to Sam?

Maybe I just had too much wine. I climb into bed and fall asleep with images of Cosima on the inside of my eyelids.

\-----

We have band rehearsal the next evening to run through our set for the following night. We sound better than ever. As we pack up, Robbie comes over to me.

“Delphine, you ok?” he asks.

“Yeah, fine, why?” I question.

“You just seem a little off. Sad, maybe? Is it Sam?”

I look at him as I feel tears come to my eyes. “Well, we had a fight on Sunday and I’ve been ignoring him all week. He’s just… ugh, he’s frustrating sometimes.”

“I know. I don’t know why you stay with him. You deserve so much better Delphine. You’re such a wonderful person,” he says with sincerity.

I take a deep breath. “Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it. I just don’t know…”

“Well, I’m here for you if you need me,” he states before leaning in, “Sometimes you just need to see things from a different angle to realize that the answers are right in front of you.”

Words of wisdom from my bandmate. I smile, “Thanks, Robbie.”

\-----

I arrive home and sit down on the couch, lost in my thoughts. My phone startles me as it buzzes and I look down to see that Sam is calling me. He has been texting me all day and I guess it’s a little unfair that I haven’t spoken to him in four days now. I pick up the phone.

“Delphine?” I hear at the other end.

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Hey, look, I know you said you wanted your space, but I miss you. I just wanted to say I’d really like to come to your show tomorrow.”

I sigh. “Yeah, ok, that might be nice,” I say, thinking that I’ll have to talk to him sometime. At least he is making an effort to come to one of my shows.

“Ok, I’ll see you there tomorrow. Love you,” he says.

“Yeah, me too,” I echo, not really meaning the words that come out of my mouth. 

I hang up the phone, feeling very anxious. I immediately think about texting Cosima, though I don’t know why that’s the first thought that jumps into my mind, but after last night, I don’t want to bother her. I am not sure what I felt last night, or if she felt something too; it was all very confusing, and I had Sam to worry about. I push the thoughts aside as I get ready for bed.

\-----


	4. Chapter 4

The next day is busy. I need to finish a few of the pieces I’m working on for a job, and I run through my songs for the upcoming show a couple times. I am always frenzied and excited on a day I have a gig. Once evening hits, I shower and get dressed, carefully doing my hair and makeup. 

I arrive at the club and see it’s already crowded. I walk in to see Sam already seated at the bar. 

“Hey, baby,” he grins as he gets up to give me a kiss. I give him a quick kiss to greet him.

“Hi, I have a table reserved over here,” I tell him. I walk him over to where Felix and Robbie are already seated. 

“Sam, this is Felix, I don’t think you two have met,” I introduce.

“Oh, hi,” Felix states. He doesn’t seem all that happy to be meeting Sam. 

At that moment, I look up toward the door to see Cosima walk in. I didn’t know she would be here. My breath hitches immediately and my heart begins to pound. “Be right back,” I tell the trio sitting at the table. 

I smile at her as I walk toward her, getting her attention. I’m so glad I thought about what I should wear tonight. When she sees me, she beams up at me, and I feel a jolt rush through me. Thinking about her in the audience gives me butterflies.

“Hi! I didn’t know you were coming,” I beam, the smile on my face getting wider by the second.

“Oh, yeah, Felix just invited me yesterday. Couldn’t pass up another chance to see you sing.” she says. My heart jumps at her words.

I can’t hide my enthusiasm. “I’m so glad you’re here. Come, sit over here.”

I lead her over to the table where the guys are sitting. She sits down by Felix as Robbie gets up to walk backstage with me. Before I go, Sam grabs my hand, whispering, “Good luck babe,” and pulls me in for a kiss.

Robbie and I head backstage. “You guys ok? You look better,” Robbie inquires. 

“Yeah, we’re fine,” I lie. I don’t really want to get into it right now.

I head out onto the stage as we start the music. As I sing, I picture that I am singing to Cosima. The nerves I had felt melt away as I fall naturally into the thing I am best at. In between songs, I wonder what she’s thinking at this moment, as I take sips of my beer. I try to look for her from the stage, but the lights are too bright; I can’t see anyone.

We finish the set to thunderous applause. It’s a great feeling. I walk off the stage to try to make it back to the table, but am suddenly accosted by Sam.

“Babe, that was so great,” he praises as he pulls my face in for a kiss. He smells like alcohol and he’s clearly had too many. I let him kiss me once and back away as he brings his body close to mine. “Come on, let’s get out of here, you’re so fucking sexy up there, I need you to come home with me,” he says.

I try to back away. “You’re drunk. And I want to stay and hang out with friends, have a good time,” I state, annoyed.

“Aww come on, we’ll have a good time,” he says, “I came to the show for you!”

He did come to the show for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel frustrated because I want to stay, but I am scared of what he will say. Aren’t I still trying to make this relationship work? Tears of frustration come to my eyes as I scowl, “Ugh, you’re ruining this night.”

I turn to run out of the bar, seeing Cosima on my way out. “Sorry, I have to go,” is all I say. I don’t want to break down in front of her and if I look at her any more, I will.

Sam follows me out of the bar. “Hey, baby, hey,” he states, trying to soothe me, “can we just talk? Let’s go to my apartment, and we’ll just talk.”

I’m not sure what else to do so I go with him. We sit in silence on the subway because I don’t want to fight in public.

The minute we walk into his apartment he turns to me and says, “You’re being such a spoiled brat.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, angrily.

“I came to the show for you. I thought it was just going to be us, and then you want to stay and hang out with other people.” 

“What are you, jealous? I’m not allowed to have other friends?” I cry, tears already streaming down my face. I’m so angry I feel like I could explode.

“Whatever, Delphine.”

“You are being so selfish! This was my night! My show! Couldn’t you just support me for once?”

“Support you? With your bullshit hobby?”

“You’re so fucking mean,” I shout, sobbing now. I gather all the strength I have. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. “You know what? We’re done. Fuck you,” I spit.

“You can’t just walk out on me Delphine,” I hear him shout.

“Watch me,” I yell as I slam the door, running out onto the sidewalk, crossing my arms across my stomach and doubling over. I am a mess. I need a drink. I make my way to the bar down the block and order shots. I down them as I feel the warm alcohol rush through my body.

I’m not sure what to do next. Of course, my mind goes to Cosima, her soothing smile, her soothing voice. I say, what the hell, and text her. Surprisingly she texts back immediately and I ask her if I can come over. As soon as she says yes, I am out the door. 

When she opens the door to her apartment and I see her, I break down. I tell her that I broke up with Sam and she brings me to the couch. 

“Gosh, I’m a mess,” I whimper, through my tears, “I’m so sorry to barge in on you like this. I just really didn’t want to be alone.”

“That’s totally cool. Do you want to talk about it?” she asks. She’s being too sweet.

I think about how I’ve needed to do this for a long time, but just needed a push. “He’s just a jerk, and I’ve known that for a while. I just couldn’t get up the courage to break it off. But I finally did. I did it,” I tell her.

She holds me as I start to sob. Her skin on mine is so soothing and soft, I feel like I could get lost in it. The alcohol I just drank is making me feel relaxed. She comforts me, whispering in my ear, telling me it’s ok, it’s going to be ok. Her words are calming. Her sincerity makes me believe it could actually be true.

When she kisses me gently on the head, I pretend like I don’t notice and she does it again as I close my eyes and savor the contact. I grab her hand, thanking her for being such a sweet person.

I realize I should probably go. I feel like I’ve been such a burden on her. She barely knows me and I’m sitting here, a complete mess. 

“It’s so late. I should let you get to bed,” I mumble, depressed.

“Stay,” she whispers. _I was not expecting that._

“Oh, no, I don’t want to intrude,” I reply, trying to be polite, but feeling like such a mess that I don’t think I could get home on my own.

“No, you’re not. I’m happy to have you here. And you said you didn’t want to be alone right now. I don’t really want to be alone either,” she assures, as my heart aches.

“Ok,” I give in.

She finds me something to wear and tells me to take her bed. I change as she brushes her teeth and slip under the covers. I don’t want her to sleep on the couch. I want her right next to me.

When she walks out of the bathroom, I call her name, “Cosima?”

“Mmm?”

I take a deep breath. “You can sleep here next to me. I don’t mind.”

I hear her pause. Have I made a mistake? Am I being too forward? I just broke up with Sam. This is crazy. I assure myself this isn’t about anything else except wanting some close company while I’m upset.

“Are you sure?” she asks.

I nod my head and she climbs in with me. I stare at her face as I thank her again. All I want is contact with her skin, but I am feeling the effects of the alcohol and sleep is threatening to take me over at any moment. I gather my last ounce of strength to touch her arm and grab her hand in mine. I tell her she is the best. I want to say more, but I am asleep before I can even have another thought.

\-----

I wake up with a jolt. I am confused as I look around. Where am I? The memories from the previous night flood back in all at once. Oh god, I was such a mess in front of Cosima. I look at the clock, seeing it’s only 7:25. I look over to see Cosima sleeping peacefully, her face so beautiful. I’ve never seen her without her glasses before and I want to reach out and touch her, but I hold myself back.

I quickly get dressed and go to leave. She hears me and wakes up for a moment as I tell her to go back to sleep. I am embarrassed for last night. I feel bad. I just need to get out of there and think.

I live surprisingly close to Cosima, only one subway stop away. I’m surprised I’ve never seen her on the train. I decide to walk home to gather my thoughts. I think about Sam and what a jerk he had been. I’m not even upset anymore. I feel a freedom that I didn’t feel before now. Good riddance.

I think about Cosima and her gentle, calming presence. I don’t know what I want with her, but I feel a pull toward her so strongly it scares me. Last night was upsetting, but also wonderful. She was so thoughtful and kind as she took care of me. I tear up thinking about it. I also feel like I might have taken it too far, coming to her in the middle of the night. I don’t feel good about it.

When I get home I fall into bed and sleep for a few more hours. I wake up with a fuzzy feeling in my head, getting up to pop two Advil and drink a glass of water. It’s almost noon. I decide I need to talk to Cosima, apologize for the way I acted last night. I was so emotional. I send her a text before jumping in the shower.

**Hi Cosima. I just want to apologize for last night. It was stupid of me to come over like that. I was drunk and too emotional and I wasn't thinking.**

When I get out of the shower I see that Cosima has sent me back two messages. 

**Please don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm just glad I could be here for you.**

**Too bad you had to leave so early this morning. I was looking forward to seeing you.**

I feel warm inside. I want to see her again so I ask her to meet me in the park later. I need to talk to her. I want to apologize for last night. She doesn’t deserve that from me. I feel like I shouldn’t have done what I did, crying to her about Sam, then sleeping in her bed. 

I force myself to eat some lunch and relax on the couch. Before I leave, I throw on my favorite sundress. I arrive at the rose garden early, taking in the scent of the flowers and air, trying to relax myself. 

She walks up to me and I smile. She looks adorable in her tee shirt and jeans. As she sits down, I try to explain myself, telling her that it’s been hard for me because of Sam.

“I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, in general, and there are just so many uncertainties, it's been hard. I'm sorry to lay this all on you. You're just so easy to talk to,” I claim.

When she reaches across and touches my hand, saying, “I’m here for you,” I start to tear up again. I don’t want her to see but it’s unavoidable. I have so many mixed emotions, sadness, anger...desire. I don’t know how to deal with them all. 

“Gosh, I’m such a mess again,” I choke through my tears. I grab her hands and squeeze, looking deep into her eyes.

All of a sudden, I feel hands on my head and I’m being pulled toward her, our lips meeting. I am stunned, so I pull back without thinking. I see a look of dread wash over her face. As soon as I see it, I realize she thinks she made a mistake. 

My mind is racing. _This is what feels right. I didn’t know it before, but this is it._

I grab her head forcefully, creating the contact I crave once again. Her lips feel incredible on mine. I breathe heavily, letting out a moan when I hear her do the same.

I back up once again as she stares at me intensely. I am in such shock at what I have just done, a stupid phrase comes out of my mouth, “Oh my god, you feel it too?” I feel dumb. Of course she feels something, she’s the one who initiated the kiss.

“Feel it? Jesus, Delphine, I've had a crush on you since the moment I laid eyes on you,” she asserts, sincerely.

Her answer shoots straight to my heart. I am so happy, I feel the tears coming back to my eyes. I open up completely in that moment, telling her that I felt it too, that I was scared, that I’ve never felt so strongly for a woman. I haven’t. I can’t believe the hold this woman has on my senses, on my heart.

I laugh as she realizes I may have been stalking her a little when I came to find her at school. At least she thinks it’s cute.

She moves in closer to me. “Delphine? Can I take you on a date?” she asks.

I smile wide. “Are you asking me out?” I question.

She looks at me with a coolness I hadn’t seen before. “Yes. Yes I am.”

I tell her that she can take me out and she asks me if we can go out tonight. I giggle, feeling a lightness in my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time. We make a plan to meet later and go our separate ways.

I walk home with a spring in my step, grinning from ear to ear. I have a few hours before our date. What am I going to wear? I spend an hour deciding on my outfit. I am so antsy, I can’t wait for tonight. As I sit in anticipation, not sure what else to do with myself, I get a text from Robbie.

**Hey, are you ok? You seemed pretty upset last night when you left.**

I had forgotten for a moment about last night, and the fact that I left without any explanation to my bandmates.

**Hey, yeah, I’m sorry I left without saying anything. Sam was being such a jerk.**

I pause before sending another text.

**We broke up.**

**Oh my god, are you ok?**

**Yes, I did it. I’m fine.**

**Do you want company? Want to talk?**

I take a deep breath. Should I tell him? He knows we’re friends. I’ll just tell him I have plans with Cosima.

**Thanks, but I’m going out with Cosima.**

He texts back.

**Oh my god!**

I’m confused.

**What?**

He answers.

**Like on a date?**

Oh. Does he know? Did Cosima tell Felix?

**Why would you say that?**

**Um, girl, I saw the way you looked at her. At brunch and when she showed up at the show...**

I find myself blushing. What the hell, I’ll tell him.

**Oh, haha, um, yes, on a date.**

He writes back.

**Yessssss!!!**

I smile and shake my head at his reaction. I’m so smitten. My phone buzzes again.

**Have fun! :)**

I notice it’s almost time to go so I make sure I look put together and head out. 

\-----


	5. Chapter 5

I am so excited that I leave too early for Cosima’s apartment. I end up in front of her building with some time to kill, and I don’t want to seem too eager, so I walk around the block a couple times, losing myself in my thoughts. Is this crazy? I take a deep breath. I’ve been so excited I’ve forgotten about the fact that I just broke up with Sam. We were together for a year and a half. That’s not forever, but it’s not an insignificant amount of time either. I feel a little bit guilty, but every time I think of Cosima’s face, I smile. That has to mean something.

Finally, it’s 7:00 and I head up to see her. I am so nervous, my palms are sweating. I wipe them on my pants so she doesn’t notice.

The moment she opens the door, she grabs me and our lips meet once again. My heart races.

I pull back, exclaiming, “Gosh, Cosima, it's only our first date! And we haven't even had it yet!”

“Sorry, you’re just irresistible,” she flirts.

I feel a rush through my body down to the pit of my stomach.

She won’t tell me where we’re going so I let her lead me, giving in to her, following her to the subway, her hand always in mine as we sit close. I find myself glancing at her as we ride, no longer afraid to stare at her beautiful face. She catches my eye and I blush, grinning like an idiot.

She takes me to Chinatown to a place she tells me is the best soup dumpling spot. We get a table and I stare across at her, our fingers touching.

“Cosima, I’m sorry, I don’t even know what a soup dumpling is,” I tell her, a little embarrassed.

“No? Oh man, they are so good. You’re gonna love it,” she says, smiling. “There’s a very specific way to eat them though, so I’ll help you.”

I giggle. “Ok.”

When the food comes, she shows me how to place the dumpling on the spoon, using the chopsticks to steady it, and bite the top to let the steam out. She tells me to put some of the sauce inside and be patient. 

“You don’t want to burn yourself on the soup inside,” she teaches, “patience is everything.”

“I guess I know how to be patient,” I state, trying to flirt a little, “I waited for you.”

She blushes, “Ditto. You have no idea.”

I sip the soup from the dumpling as it cools and attempt to bite the rest of it, less than gracefully.

“This is messy!” I note. “Great first date food,” I say sarcastically.

She giggles. “No, you are so cute. I don’t care what you’re doing. Everything you do is cute.”

We finish up the meal and she pays, insisting that she’s taking me out tonight.

“Where to next?” I ask her.

“Follow me,” she smiles. “I told you, just surprises, no questions.”

We walk down the street as she puts her arm around my waist to pull me close. I instinctively put my arm around her. She feels so good next to me. Her energy is incredible.

“Here we are!” she exclaims.

We stop in front of an ice cream shop where I can see a man pouring cream onto the metal counter in front of him and mixing in toppings as it freezes. My eyes grow wide.

“Mmm, ice cream is my favorite!” I blurt out.

She grabs my hand and we go inside, ordering at the counter. I pick out my toppings enthusiastically while she giggles at me, squeezing my hand. “You’re adorable,” she whispers as my ice cream is handed to me. She kisses me on the cheek before we walk outside.

“Mmm,” I moan as I feel the cold cream touch my tongue, closing my eyes.

“That good?” she asks.

“C'est magnifique,” I say.

“Mmm, that’s nice,” she marvels, grinning widely.

“What?”

“Just you. Speaking French,” she blushes, “I like.”

I laugh. We finish our ice cream and she walks us down to the river. The bridge is above us as we look out, the lights shimmering across the water.

She is so attractive. I stare, taking her all in. When she compliments me, I can’t help but bite my lip, thinking about her hands on mine. I want her, I want to feel her.

“You are so beautiful,” she tells me. 

She kisses me in that moment and I feel like I can’t breathe. I can only breathe her in, her wonderful scent, her soft lips, the feeling of my fingers on her face. I want more. The attraction I feel is electric. I gently bring my mouth to her ear, nibbling. When I feel her body weaken underneath me, I want her. I _want_ her. 

“Cosima,” I whisper, “take me home.”

“Your wish is my command,” she states. 

We ride the subway home, our bodies pressed next to each other as I think about the sparks flying between us. I don’t think I ever felt this with Sam. This connection. It’s something I’ve never felt before, with anyone. I’ve never wanted anyone so badly.

We get to her apartment and suddenly, her mouth is on me. On my lips, on my face, on my neck. I groan into the contact as shivers run down my spine. 

When she stops to look at me, to make sure I'm ok, there is a tenderness there and I melt. I feel electric pulses through my body and I pull her in hungrily. 

Her hands are under my shirt and my desire courses through me, threatening to take me over completely. I feel shockwaves burning through my stomach, a gentle ache in my chest as my heart pounds. My skin is on fire. I feel my pulse beating between my legs. _This feels so good._

She whispers, “I want you” in my ear and I almost can't stand anymore. Her hands on me are too much, her touch, her aura surrounds me. I practically beg her to take me to bed. 

I am swimming in her as we move to the bedroom. She immediately removes her shirt and we are soon naked from the waist up. Her eyes look at me hungrily as she takes a moment. The desire in her eyes is driving me wild and I pull her in close to me, our breasts touching for the first time. I gasp at the sensation. 

I've never felt this good with a man. When I had sex before it had always seemed like it had been about him. Sure, it was fine, but it wasn't this. _Oh my god, this._ This is about us, both of us, learning, feeling, belonging. 

When I feel my nipple in her mouth, I whimper. Her leg is grinding up against my core and I feel the wetness pooling there. 

She kisses down my body, pulling my pants and underwear off. I am suddenly very exposed but I feel amazing. She makes me feel so safe. I want to feel her lips again. 

“Come up here for a second,” I pant. I want to see her eyes. When she kisses me again, all my fears melt away, any doubts I may have had before we got together, about Sam, about leaving him, none of it matters. Nothing matters except her. 

When she breaks our kiss, she says, “I want to taste you.” I've never had anyone have such a strong desire to please me, it drives me wild.

The things I feel next are indescribable. I think her lips are on my clit. I think her fingers are plunged deep within me. I think her tongue finds its way to my nipple. I think I scream her name. I think I moan and pant as pleasure sears through my body. But really, I can't think at all. 

When I come, I come hard. I explode around her, completely vulnerable, unable to discern what is happening. I need her touch. I need her to bring me back down in her arms. I beg for her to hold me and she does. 

We lay as she kisses me sweetly and I feel my entire body relax into hers. 

I want to make her feel that good. I am a little nervous since I've never done it before but she guides me and tells me what she wants. It's so hot when she tells me what to do, to give her more, to fuck her harder. 

Being inside her, seeing and feeling what it does to her, it is incredible. She is so soft, so warm, and my arm muscles burn but I don't care. This is the only thing I want to be doing right now, the only thing that matters. When she comes in my arms, it is a thing of beauty. She shudders and moans into her climax and I hold her. 

I collapse on top of her, kissing her gently. I feel so tired all of a sudden. She wants me to stay and I could not feel more happy in that moment. She rolls so I can spoon her and I hold her close to me, breathing into her back with my lips on her shoulder blade, until I fall blissfully asleep. 

\-----

I wake to a warm hand on my stomach. There is a brief moment of confusion before I remember where I am as I feel Cosima kiss my back. I smile, rolling over to embrace her in my arms, nuzzling my face into the soft skin below her neck. She tells me she's going to make me breakfast and I reluctantly let her go. I lay for a moment, breathing in the morning, happy for the first time in a long time. 

I stretch and get up, realizing I am naked. I don't feel like getting dressed so I grab one of Cosima's robes that is lying around. It's comically short on me. I don't really care so I walk into the kitchen to find Cosima laying breakfast on the table. 

She jokes about the robe I'm wearing and I laugh before pulling her mouth to mine, the electricity palpable. 

I eat slowly, savoring every bite. “Mmm,” I moan. “Delicious. Thank you.”

When I look up, she is staring at me with a smirk on her face. 

“What?” I ask her, grinning back. 

“I don't know. I just like having you here,” she says, “It feels...awesome.”

I giggle. “Awesome?”

“Yeah…” she trails off. “I love being around you.”

I blush. “I love being around you, too.”

She gets up to clear our plates and we end up on the couch, relaxing in silence, our sweet touches doing all the communicating we need. 

Her back is pressed into my front as my chin rests right above her head. I close my eyes, leaning back, enjoying this time. For once I am not nervous, I am not scared. With Cosima, it feels different, like I don't need to worry. 

She is the one to break the silence, as she jokes about us lazing around all day. I don't really want to get up but she invites me to the shower with her, and of course, I go. 

In the shower, our slick bodies rub against each other. It is so sensual and I am gaining more confidence as she moans into me. I feel an overwhelming urge to pleasure her, to make her feel incredible. I reach around to stroke her clit as she leans her hands against the wall, her ass pushing back into my hips. She wants me inside and I do as she says, fucking her, watching her pant and gasp. When she reaches down, touching herself to come, I almost lose myself. She begs for me to hold her and I make sure I am there for her as she shakes and falls into me.

I hold her for a moment, thinking about how much I want her, how much I want to be with her. I’ve never felt this kind of pull toward someone in such a short time. 

We leave the shower and she wastes no time, pushing me down on the bed, her mouth on my clit, her fingers deep within me. She is in total control of my body and I unravel quickly beneath her. 

I tell her I want to stay in bed all day and she agrees. I never want this feeling to end.

\------


	6. Chapter 6

As the months go by, I am in heaven. I am floating. I am in love.

Cosima is everything I’ve ever wanted. She fills my heart so deeply I sometimes feel like it could burst. I can’t spend enough time with her. We are together always, almost every night. She takes me to see all the tourist spots in the city that I have never been to. We hold hands whenever we go anywhere, not wanting to be without each other’s touch.

The sex is mindblowing, the way she touches me, the way I have learned how to make her come. I know her body and she knows mine. 

I feel like the nervousness I had felt before is gone. I realize now how unhappy I had been with Sam. I can’t believe I stayed with him for such a long time. I needed to allow myself happiness, but my fear had kept me in the same place for too long. Now, my fear is gone. There is just Cosima. And I love that. I love her. I want her to know, but I want to tell her at the right time.

\-----

“Hey, babe, Felix and Robbie want us to meet them in Coney Island tonight. You up for it?” she asks me one night.

“Oh yeah, I’ve never been,” I answer.

“Well, it can be fun. You can’t have the full New York City experience without going to Coney Island at least once!” she says as she walks over to me, throwing her arms around my waist and bringing me in for a kiss. “It’ll be a nice date,” she says, beaming at me.

“Oh, a date?” I tease. “You’ll have to be on your best behavior though, since it’s a double date.”

“When am I not on my best behavior? You’re the one who seems to have trouble keeping your hands to yourself when we’re out.”

I laugh. “I don’t think you seem to mind.” I pull her in again, bringing my lips to her neck, lightly grazing, and whispering in her ear, “We better get ready.”

She shudders under me as I break away, heading for the bathroom. “Hey, not fair,” she yells as I giggle.

When we step off the train and walk toward the boardwalk, I feel like I’m in a different world. I see the ocean in the distance. There are people everywhere, flashing lights everywhere. It’s loud. But I am holding Cosima’s hand and I feel a sense of security. Even that touch makes my skin tingle.

We find Felix and Robbie, who seem very enthusiastic about heading to the arcade. They run off to play some racing game and Cosima leads me to this skee-ball game. I have no idea what that is which she seems to think is very funny. She teaches me how to play and I end up enjoying it. It’s a silly game, but I find myself wanting to be silly with Cosima. She brings out that side of me.

Apparently when you play these games, you win tickets, which you can then exchange for prizes. We walk over and see a whole bunch of junk. I think to myself, this is so ridiculous, but Cosima seems excited about getting something, so I watch her as she looks.

I see her pick out this tiny yellow ring with some words on it. She turns to me and takes my hand, gently placing it over my pinky. I know it’s silly, but I feel such love in my heart when she puts it on me. It’s like she is claiming me, making me hers. I shake my head at the thought. It’s only a stupid plastic ring!

I look down to see the words SCIENCE IS COOL written on it. I giggle, “Oh, I see why you like this one.”

“I figured you needed some swag if you’re going to be in my fan club,” she teases.

“Oh, your fan club?” I ask. She is so freaking cute.

“Mhmm, but it’s mostly science geeks, so I don’t know if you’ll fit in,” she says, grinning.

“Well, I like this science geek, so I guess I could give it a chance.” I almost say love. It almost slips out of my mouth. _I love this science geek._ I get a little nervous. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I think I’m just scared. Scared that she won’t feel as strongly. Scared that it’s only been a couple months and she might think we’re moving too fast. Scared that I shouldn’t have fallen in love this quickly after my last relationship.

I shake the thoughts away and try to relax and have a good time as we sit at a bar on the boardwalk and order some drinks. I find myself playing with the ring on my finger as I have a few drinks, feeling looser as the night wears on. I’m fairly quiet, lost in my thoughts as I watch my three companions laugh and smile. It’s not like I’m not having a good time. I am. I just have a lot on my mind.

Robbie is telling some story about his boss and he brings up the time I told my asshole boss off before quitting. I turn red. I’m not exactly proud of that moment. I’m about to defend myself when I hear her say the words.

“That’s why I love her.”

My whole body tenses. A million thoughts run through my mind. Did she just…? Did she mean to say that? Did she want to say that? Is she too drunk? Did she say it just because she’s drunk? Does she mean it?

My head is swimming so I excuse myself, running to the edge of the boardwalk, away from the noise, away from the lights. 

I feel the tears coming to my eyes though I'm having a hard time focusing on why. My emotions are all over the place. I've never felt so strongly for someone in my life and I have never felt so scared. Cosima makes me feel like I can do anything. She makes me feel happy. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel loved. She does. So maybe she does mean it. But can she love me as much as I love her? Have I just had too much to drink? Is that why I'm so emotional? I can't believe how I'm reacting right now. 

“Hey, are you ok?” I hear. 

I turn to see Cosima, her face caring, concerned, her eyes pleading for me to talk to her. 

“I'm fine,” I lie. 

She reaches out for me but I move before she can touch me. I need to know what she really feels. 

“Delphine, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say what I said before,” she says. 

My heart breaks at her statement. I knew it. She didn't actually want to say it. I look at her, unable to keep back the tears from flowing into my eyes. “You didn't?” I choke out. 

She looks me in the eyes. “Well, I didn't mean to say it, that doesn't mean that I didn't mean it.”

My heart skips a beat. “So you do?”

“No...I mean yes, I mean, fuck, yes, I love you.”

My heart stops but my tears don't. She's drunk and I don't want this to just be a drunk confession. But I guess I have no choice but to have this conversation right now. 

“And you're not just saying that because you're drunk?” I ask, trying not to sob. 

“God, no, Delphine...I've loved you for a long time,” she confesses and my body goes weak. All the emotions coursing through, it's overwhelming. 

I can't keep it in anymore. “Well, good, because I've fallen head over heels, madly in love with you.”

She kisses me then. No, not kisses. She surrounds me. She takes me. She loves me. 

She loves me and I love her. With all my heart. 

We go home and I hold her tight to me in bed. I hear her slow breathing as she quietly sleeps. This is all I've ever wanted, she is everything. I smile as I remember I'm still wearing the ring on my pinky before I fall peacefully into slumber.

\-----


	7. Chapter 7

This summer has been the greatest. I can’t even explain how I feel when I’m with her, my Cosima. I’m so in love and my band is taking off. My life is wonderful. The fall hits and although Cosima goes back to work, I still spend almost every night with her. I feel like I’m living in a dream. I never thought my life could be this good.

One morning, after one of the rare nights I am spending at my apartment, I get a phone call.

“Delphine?” I hear at the other end of the phone.

“Robbie?” I say, deliriously. “It’s like 7 in the morning.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just found out. Our manager called. We’ve been booked for a tour,” he replies, excited.

I shoot up in bed. “What?”

“We’re going! We’re really going! Eight months of venues all across Europe. Can you believe it? But, we have to leave on Saturday.”

“Wow, I...I don’t know what to say. Thanks for telling me. I really need to go back to sleep though. Let’s talk later,” I state, hanging up the phone after saying goodbye. Saturday. That’s in two days.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime, I think to myself. This is so exciting for the band. I haven’t been on tour in years. I think about that experience and I am suddenly filled with dread. _Cosima._

I get an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. The last time I went on tour, I had a boyfriend and it was the worst four months of my life. I ended up hating him. He had been so terrible, constantly jealous, constantly bothering me. _Shit._

I don’t want that for me and Cosima. Eight months is a long time. I swore to myself that I would never go on tour being in a relationship. It’s too hard. I swallow as I feel my tears building. What am I going to do? She’s going to hate me. Can I really do it? Can I really be without her? 

Until now, I hadn’t really thought about the future, our future. I tried not to think like that, trying to always live in the moment, because I know all too well that things can change in an instant. I find it easier to not set myself up for future disappointment, not build up a fantasy in my mind that could essentially go away at any moment.

I break down and cry. I know what I have to do and it hurts. It hurts me so badly. I cry now so I can hold it together later. 

I eventually fall back asleep, resolving to go visit her later, after she gets home from work.

\-----

I take the long walk up the stairs to Cosima’s apartment. My body feels heavy, like there are weights in my feet, like if I stop walking, I would just stay there, not moving.

When she opens the door and smiles at me, I can barely look at her. I walk in as she asks me if I’m ok.

I decide to just get it out. “The band has been booked for a tour. We’re going to Europe.”

“Oh my god, that’s so great!” she says, smiling, although I can see she can tell something is wrong.

She doesn’t get it. “Cosima, I’m going to be gone for eight months.”

“Well, that’s ok. I’ll come visit you,” she assures. God, she is making this more difficult than it already is. She’s always trying to put a positive spin on things. It’s one of the things I love about her. But I can’t think like that right now.

“No,” I tell her flatly.

“No?” she asks.

“I mean, I don't think it's a good idea,” I say, trying to stay as stoic as possible.

“What do you mean?”

I sigh. “I mean, I don’t think we should…”

She looks at me with panic in her eyes. “Delphine, what are you about to say? Please, don’t…”

The pained expression on her face is killing me. But I can’t, I can’t do it. I love her too much to put her through this long distance, and I know I need to focus on my music career. “I need to focus on my music. I've been in relationships on tour before. It doesn't work out well.”

She starts to cry and my body hurts so badly. “No, please, you can't do this to me. I love you.”

“And I love you. It's not the problem. It will just be too hard,” I push the words out, crying now even though I’m trying to hold it back.

“And if you leave me, that won’t be hard?”

“Please, Cosima,” I beg her with my eyes to not make this harder.

She looks at me with a seriousness and a sadness I have never seen from her. “Delphine, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t know what to say. I need to get out of there. “I’m sorry,” I say, and I leave. I run down the stairs, sobbing, the tears falling fast. I feel physically ill. My mind is racing. 

I don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. It certainly doesn’t feel right. But I can’t go through the hurt of being on tour and being with her. Easier to just cut it off now, before it gets bad. Better to have her hate me. I can handle it. I can get through it. I can do it.

\-----

We’ve been on tour for five months now. It’s wonderful, musically. I feel like a rock star. We have fans that follow us from city to city, I get a lot of attention. A lot of attention from guys, girls. I have been able to distract myself with this attention. But really, I can’t stop thinking about her. 

I see her face when I close my eyes at night. If I’m with someone else, I imagine it’s her touching me, loving me. I miss her so much it hurts throughout my entire body. I feel as though I made a huge mistake. But I feel like it’s too late. I can’t go back now. We still have a few months. I have to stick it out.

A couple months in, I had found that silly plastic ring she had given me in the bottom of my purse. I’ve been wearing it ever since. I know it’s so stupid, but it reminds me of her. I look at it whenever I think of her, and try to only think about the good times.

I think about all the times I met her after school, the look on her face as she would walk out of the building, smiling as soon as she saw me, running into my arms, beaming. I think about the mornings when I would wake up early and make breakfast before she even woke up so I could see the happy look on her face when she finally came into the kitchen, ecstatic that I had made her pancakes.

I think about the way she would pull me close to her at night, our bodies melding perfectly together. We fit so perfectly. I think about her hands on me, how she would be so sweet when we made love, the way she made me feel, like I was the most important thing in the world, how I could feel her love surrounding me. _Fuck. What did I do? How could I let that go?_

I find myself slipping more and more, deeper into this hole. I drink and party every night, trying to forget. Robbie gets concerned, he tries to help me, but he can’t. Nothing can. I miss her like she is a missing piece of my soul, like I will never be complete again if I can’t have her.

We are going home soon and all I can think about is trying to see her again, trying to mend things, maybe, just maybe she will let me back in her life, even though I fucked it up so badly.

\-----

We get back on a Wednesday night and I am so tired, I sleep for two days. Finally on Saturday, I decide I can’t wait anymore. I know I can’t just show up at her apartment so I go to the coffee shop by her place. I know she sometimes comes in here on Saturdays. Or at least she used to. Eight months ago.

I look up from my laptop and I see her. My heart stops. She is so beautiful and I’ve missed her so much, all I want to do is grab her and hug her and tell her I’m sorry, but I know I have no right to do that.

I need to say something though, so I get up, calling her name.

She turns to look at me. I can’t read her eyes. “Hey, Delphine, I guess you’re back,” she murmurs.

“Yes, just got in a few days ago,” I tell her. She looks like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame her. I don’t really know what to say, so I just try small talk. “How have you been?”

Stupid. Why would I ask her that?

“Uh, fine,” she answers. “Look, I gotta run.”

Shit. She really hates me. I want to reach out. I want to touch her. I want to tell her I wish I could’ve done it all differently. But all I say is, “It’s good to see you, Cosima.”

She just replies, “Uh huh,” and leaves.

I sit back down at my laptop. I make a decision right there and then. I have to do this. I have to tell her how I feel, that I’m sorry. Honestly, what do I have to lose at this point? I’m already miserable. How much more miserable can I get? I pack up my things and head to her apartment, hoping that’s where she’ll be. 

When she opens the door, she doesn’t look happy.

“What do you want?” she asks. She sounds angry.

“Can I come in? We need to talk,” I tell her.

“About what?” she questions. 

“Please, Cosima,” I beg, hoping she will just give me a chance.

“Fine,” she says.

I walk in and sit on the couch. I don’t know what else to say, so I just try my apology. “Cosima, I’m so sorry.”

She laughs. Shit. “You’re sorry? Jesus, Delphine, do you even know what you did to me?”

I do know. Because I’m an idiot. “I know, I’m sorry,” I state.

What she says next breaks my heart completely. All I want to do is fix things, take her in my arms and mend all her hurt.

“No, I don't think you do know. You broke my fucking heart. No, that's inaccurate. You grabbed my heart from my chest, threw it against the wall and shattered it into a million pieces. Shattered my world, my whole life,” she whimpers, sobbing now, “I told you I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and you walked out. You fucking walked out. Left me to deal with this shit. Alone.”

I notice I am crying now too. I want her to know how stupid I was, how much I regret everything. “Cosima, I made a mistake.”

“A mistake? No, a mistake is when you accidentally spill your coffee. A mistake is when you make a typo in an email. A mistake is NOT when you walk out on the woman you love.”

She is angry, so angry. And I know she has a right to be. I don’t know what else to say, but I need her to know how I feel.

“I still love you,” I choke through my tears.

She huffs. “How am I supposed to trust you?”

She’s right. I’ve fucked that up. “Just, give me another chance,” I beg.

She stares at me and I try to read her, but I can’t. “No. Go, I need to be alone,” she tells me.

I can’t say anything after that so I get up and walk out. My tears come faster as walk out to the street. What do I do now?

\-----

The next few days are a blur. I try to write but I can’t stop thinking about her. Robbie texts me wanting to go out for a drink on Thursday night, so I do, because I need to get out of my apartment. I meet him at the bar.

“Hey Delphine! How are you adjusting to life off the road?” Robbie asks when he sees me.

“Umm... it’s ok I guess...I’m adjusting,” I answer. “It’s weird. I have to get used to it again. Although, I’m not sure it’s going to be easy considering where I was before the tour…”

Robbie knows what I mean. “Have you seen her yet?”

I take a sip of the drink I had ordered. “Yeah, I did,” I say as I feel the tears coming. “Robbie, I fucked up so badly. And I don’t know what to do.” I feel a few tears streaming down my face.

He gives me a hug, rubbing my back. “Oh honey, what happened when you saw her?”

“I just...I tried to apologize and she didn’t want to hear it. She was so angry.”

“Delphine, of course she’s angry. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you still. Just think about how she’s feeling,” he soothes.

“Robbie, I know how she’s feeling and that’s what kills me. But I don’t know if she loves me anymore. She seems like she hates me.”

“Look, I think you need to talk to her again. Spill it all, your whole heart. Tell her everything. Put it in her hands. You have nothing to lose. Maybe if you are completely honest, she will see that you are trying, and if she does feel the same, then that’s up to her. If you don’t do it, you’ll be miserable,” Robbie offers.

He’s right. I need to do it. “Thank you,” I mutter. “You always know what to say.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” he jokes, punching me lightly in the arm. “And my god, I can’t see you like this anymore!”

I smile a little. We have a couple more drinks and I try not to think about Cosima. We talk about the tour, how much fun we had. We did have fun, despite the fact that I missed Cosima. It was amazing.

I end up going home late, falling into bed, and deciding that tomorrow, I’m going to do it. I’m going to talk to her. No matter what. I needed to gather my thoughts, but I would do that in the morning.

\-----


	8. Chapter 8

I am so nervous as I sit on my couch the next day, deciding if I should text her or not. I want to talk to her after school, but I don’t know if she’ll even meet me. I finally get up the courage to text her.

All she says when I ask her is “Ok.”

Well, at least she will meet me. I feel relieved in a small way.

I leave to go meet her and arrive early, waiting on the steps for her to come out. I think about all the times I had done this, waiting to see her beautiful smile when she saw me. I know this time is not like that, but I can’t help but smile when I think of those memories.

I hear a “Hi” behind me and I turn to her, smiling, and ask her if we can go somewhere and talk. She agrees and I get very nervous. I lead her to the park and we sit.

I just need to get it all out. Tell her everything. Just do it.

“Cosima, I just want you to hear me out. Please don’t feel like you need to say anything. I just want to explain myself, and then you can tell me to leave you alone if you want,” I state nervously. “I was an idiot. I knew how hard it was going to be to be on tour, and I thought it would be easier if I distanced myself from you. I was in a relationship with someone when I went on a tour once for four months, and it was the worst four months, trying to keep in touch with him. He became overprotective and jealous, constantly angry at me for ignoring him. It was so stressful, and I didn’t want that for us.”

I pause, trying to read her reaction, but she is just sitting there with no expression.

“But it turns out I was wrong...so wrong... about us. When I left you, I broke down. For months, I knew how much I had hurt you and I was miserable.”

She finally speaks. “Why didn’t you call me? Text me? Anything?”

I don’t have an a good answer for that. “I...I don’t know. I was ashamed. I felt too guilty. I thought that maybe you’d be able to move on. I just wanted you to be happy. And I didn’t think I could give that to you. I was scared the same thing would happen so I kept trying to push you from my mind.”

I can feel the tears coming again. “But I couldn’t. So I thought, maybe, just maybe, we could reconnect when I came back. I know, I don’t deserve this...I don’t deserve you, but I need you to know, I need you to know the truth. And that I’m so sorry for all of it.”

I look at her, my eyes pleading. I need her. I want her back. I can’t do this without her.

“Ok, I just need some time to think,” she finally answers.

“Of course,” I force out, thinking, ok, she didn’t blow me off completely. But still…

I see her walk away and I break down. She’s gone again, when all I want is to have her close. 

I feel lost. I don’t even know what to do with myself now. I had put all my energy into this moment. I don’t know what I expected. Did I expect her to just take me back? I sit for a while in the park, trying to think about what to do next, watching the families in the park, the couples with their dogs, the smiling people around me. I want that so badly. I want that happiness with Cosima.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I look down. It’s from her.

**Hey, would you come over?**

I feel a nervous jolt run through my entire body, all the way down through my feet. Ok, deep breath, I tell myself. What does she want? Is she going to forgive me? Is she…?

I text back.

**Yes.**

I run from the park to jump on the subway to her place. By the time I get there, I am shaking, I am so nervous. I knock on the door. She opens it and I still can’t read the expression on her face.

I stare at her, wanting to be close to her, but still unsure of what she wants. She looks like she has been crying.

“Hey, are you—” I start.

“No,” she cuts me off. “I’m going to talk now. Come inside.”

I do as she tells me. She sits on the chair across from the couch, motioning for me to sit on the couch.

The whole time, I don’t take my eyes away from her. When I sit, she speaks.

“I’m so mad at you. So fucking mad. I don’t even know how to handle this anger,” she says before pausing, “But also, I’m just hopelessly sad. I’ve had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to wallow in my feelings. So many questions came out of it. How could you do something like that to someone you love? Why wouldn’t you talk to me? Figure it out with me? Why would you just leave? Did you really ever love me at all?”

She takes a deep breath.

“All these questions have been driving me crazy for months and months. Then, you show up, you fucking show up and tell me you still love me. And I see your face and I am lost, again. I see your beautiful smile and all I want to do is hold you. And it’s infuriating. Because it scares the shit out of me. It prompts more questions. How do I know you won’t do it again? Do you really want me back? Do you really love me, or are you just lying to yourself?”

“I do, I do want you back, baby, please—” I try to speak, but she cuts me off again, putting her hand up.

“But then, I realize that I love you so much that it turns me into a total idiot. I’m not able to make rational decisions. And I can’t live like this anymore.”

She is crying now. Her tears run down her face in steady streams. “And what the fuck? Why were you wearing that stupid ring on your tour?” she chokes out.

My eyes widen at her statement. “What? How did you…?” It doesn’t matter how she knew that. I feel my tears coming now and I confess, “Cosima, I missed you so badly on my tour, I thought I was going to die. It was the biggest mistake of my life leaving you. I would never...never ever do that to you again.”

I get up from the couch, moving to her and kneeling in front of her, my hands on her knees. “I am a fucking idiot. And I know you have no reason to trust me. But, please, I love you, I love you so much...I love you.” I look up at her, pleading with my tear soaked eyes.

She puts her hands on the sides of my head, holding my face toward hers. “Don’t you dare do that to me, ever again,” she orders, looking into my eyes seriously.

“No, no, I won’t,” I assure. I grab her hands, moving my hands up her arms, feeling her again after so long. She feels so good. I want to be close to her. 

She stands, pulling me up with her. As I stand over her, she pulls me in for passionate kiss. After so much time, not having her lips on mine, I can feel the kiss all the way down my body, my skin tingling, my arms wrapping around her small body, pulling her in tight to me. It feels like it never has before. I let out an uncontrollable whimper and I feel her body go weak in my arms. 

She shoves me back all of a sudden. I see her tears haven’t stopped. “Wait...wait...fuck…” she stumbles, “I need you to look me in the eye, tell me it’s only me, you only want me, make me feel safe in your arms again...please…” The tone of her voice is so sad, I feel my tears spilling over. She sounds desperate, and I don’t know how to say all the things she wants me to.

“Cosima…” I hold her face and gaze into her gorgeous eyes. “Baby. There is only you. It’s always been you, ever since we met. Ever since I saw you in that bar, I knew there was something. Before my mind even registered what was going on, my body knew, my soul knew, my heart knew. You are my life. When I am without you, I feel as though a part of me is missing, empty, hollow. I can’t live like that. I need you. I crave you. I will show you how much.” I pause, looking into her deeply, trying to convey that what I’m saying is sincere.

“I know you are hurting. I know I have no excuse to tell you how hurt I was on tour,” I continue as I stroke her hair with my hands, “I used to think about you always, every night, as I lay in bed. I would twirl that silly ring on my finger and think about all the good times we had together, I would hold onto those memories, wishing, praying, that one day I could make things right with you. I would dream about holding you, kissing you, just sitting with you and holding your hand. I thought about you every moment when I was singing, picturing your sweet face, pretending you were there, in the audience, that you were still mine, that I would see you after the show with your giant smile, and you would make everything ok.” I am sobbing now; I can barely get the words out.

“So please, believe me when I tell you how sorry I am, how much you mean to me, because I know, I know how much it hurts,” I pause. “I don’t want to have to live without you.”

She grabs me and kisses me then, our lips and tongues intertwining, the taste of our salty tears in my mouth. Her hands grasp at the back of my head, running through my hair at a frantic pace and I pull her to me, my hands on her hips, trying to make us one again. 

Her hands are at the bottom of my shirt, pulling it off over my head. I do the same to hers. I need more skin, more contact. Our pace is rushed, like we need the touch to survive. She grabs me and pulls me to her bedroom. 

I remove my bra and she takes hers off. We remain standing, pressing our bare chests against each other’s. I shudder at the feel of her skin on mine. It’s been so fucking long. She feels so good, so soft. I can feel my love for her moving through every nerve ending in my skin, reaching out to touch hers, so they can fire together, in unison.

I lay her down on the bed, kissing her still, pushing my lips down into hers, panting, eyes closed, wanting more, wanting to make her believe what I’ve said through my touch. I remove her pants, followed by mine, and kiss her neck, moving down to her collarbone, her breasts, her stomach, her hips. I savor the feeling of every inch of her skin, tears coming to my eyes as I realize again how much I’ve missed her. I close my eyes as I move my lips back up her torso, rubbing my cheek on her soft skin. I come back up and kiss her again, her hands running through my hair once more.

She breaks the kiss to look at me, holding my face. I see there are still tears in her eyes. “Baby,” she whispers, “Please, I need to feel you inside me. Make me whole again.”

I kiss her again, bringing my fingers down to her sex. I remove her underwear and feel her slick folds as she gasps. I waste no time slipping inside and we both moan in unison when I do. I stare into her eyes as I make love to her, her hands grasping at my back, her tears running down the whole time. She stares back, her gaze never wavering as she moans and moves her hips to the rhythm of my hand. 

Her whimpers grow in frequency and just before she comes, she whispers, “I love you.” She trembles as her thighs clench together, letting out a long moan, digging her fingers into my back. Her tears come faster as she comes down, frantically grabbing me, pleading, “Hold me...hold me, baby...please…”

I collapse next to her, grabbing her into my arms, holding her as tight as I can, pulling her head into my chest as her breath slows. We are both so emotionally drained. I feel something I haven’t felt in so long. Happiness. 

Before I know it, she is asleep on my chest, her tears finally stopped, and I run my fingers over her skin as I hold her. This is the only place I want to be. I keep my lips on her forehead, breathing in her wonderful scent again, all the good memories flooding back. I feel hope in that moment. Hope that we will make it, because our love is that strong. It brought us back together after all this time. I will never leave her again.

\-----


End file.
